You are so consumed by the moment, so devoid of feeling, even a singular feeling, that when push comes to shove, and you are cosmically fated to meet your soulmate, you don’t even recognise your mirror. Because you don’t recognise yourself in the mirror. What is the point of being aligned within oneself so deeply that you forget your own reflection? What essence are you missing that makes you a stranger to your home?
Home. That’s what you miss. Being home. You are always travelling, always a passenger, always a nomad. The next cafe with a mean coffee and no crowd becomes your home for the next few hours, then your friends’ company, then your lover’s. Since when did we become so devoted to compartmentalising people, experiences and work that when it’s all said and done, at the end of the day, you don’t have a home to come back to? There is no place for you to catch your breath, to exist, to be… messy in all the in-between of things.
And universe gave you a chance to meet your home. To be home. To feel a sense of calm and rest, but you gave it all up because you simply didn’t recognise it. It felt like a hotel for a casual stay, not a home that is built and mended forever. Because deep within all that alignment, you are not home in yourself. Your mind is at unease; restlessness is your state of calm. I wonder what abandonment wound cut you so deep that you decided to never find home in someone, even in yourself.
Abandonment wounds cut deep. They hurt the core of the primal need to stay safe, to be loved and to be “got” by someone only to realise you were never theirs. And maybe it wasn’t dramatic enough where somone left you at the alter or cheated on you, it can just be a feeling of being strangers sharing a bed together. You want soul recognition and your minds to be merged, souls intertwined and hearts beating the same beat.
But that’s too beta, they say, that’s co-dependence, they say. You have to be your own person and an indiviual, they say. And somewhere in all what people say and what you feel, you abandon your need for being “got” and become this society approved heartbreaker version of you that you don’t realise when someone who may be your soulmate, crossed paths with you.
And that’s the bummy part. You don’t even know if they were your soulmate. They could just be a pretty face, and kind. And you paused long enough to smile but went back to being caught up in your own world only to wake up days later and feel like they made you feel something. And that’s okay. Maybe they weren’t your soulmate. Maybe it was just a pretty guy who was your type. But he made you feel that there’s more to life than compartmentalising love, work, friendships and have the courage to ask for more. Be more. Need more. Love more.
And why not you? Why can’t you have it all. An all-consuming love is not a tall order to want if that’s what you know you crave deep down in your heart’s heart. Life is never that simple and never that organised. You are a human being having a human experience and the bad comes with all the good. Be brave and ask for more, be open to receiving it when it comes and have the wisdom to know you can handle it. Because you can. If you decide to settle in your soul, you can handle being home too, whether in yourself or someone else, trust me! So stop being a nomad and go love yourself enough to find a home in yourself. Bye.