Turning off emotional unavailability

Are you someone who often hears that they are dismissive and callous with the way they handle people? That being right is more important than empathising with someone? Chances are you are coming from a wounded masculine energy and your top priority is at best to solve an issue or at worst, dismiss it by gaslighting. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy within themselves. We bring out the masculine side of us when we problem solve, build, grow, protect and shield something or someone. But what happens when you are in your wounded masculine energy perpetually? You become emotionally exhausted to deal with delicate situations that require more tact and care. Why don’t you care, you may have asked yourself. You maybe at an emotional limit to find it in yourself to give a shit, quite frankly. How to solve this issue?

Before I start, I would like to preface that anyone can be in their wounded masculine energy, energy knows no gender. Energy is simply that: energy. But being a born male and being in his wounded masculine energy may look different from being born female and being in her wounded masculine energy. The crux of the matter is the same however; that you are emotionally unavailable at the end. You may have different routes as to how you got there, too much pressure growing up, growing up too quickly, father wounds for the man; mother wounds, being introverted, feeling unheard and not having boundaries respected for the woman. How you were treated as a child and the lack of love and support you may have felt, perhaps abuse in severe cases, can also lead you to emotionally close up. You didn’t feel ‘safe’ enough to open up, perhaps no one wanted to hear about your thoughts and dreams and quirks and they only heard your emotional needs when it was dire. It could cause you to become overly dramatic in some cases, making a mountain out of a mole for the smallest things to get attention, or in this case, you emotionally closed up. 

Always know that it was never your fault for being “too much”. You were not and are still not “too much”, people around you were just not enough. You were helpless then because you couldn’t control what kind of people to have in your life, but you are all grown now and you can and should decide the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. Heal. Be around people who want to know about your day, your quirks, your hidden talents, who encourage you to express yourself more freely, who patiently wait for you to find your words when you struggle to say everything that’s on your mind, who lighten up your imagination. But it’s a two-way street, you can’t always take and take and offer “that’s nice” and “wow” and “okay” to what they’re saying. If you are given a safe space to talk, learn to actively listen too. How to do that?

Learn that it’s not a competition to speak. You will have the floor; you will be able to “relate” to their story by sharing your own story after they’re done. Don’t interrupt or cut them off. But also look genuinely interested in what they have to say. It comes naturally with the right people, but it can take some getting used to. Let go and forgive the mishaps that your person/people did and stop trying to even the score. Don’t say stuff like “I listened to you last time, now you listen to me”, that’s not how a healthy conversation works. Forgive and forget the times when you weren’t allowed to share your voice and give to get in return. Be compassionate towards people. If they are having a hard day, don’t make it about you; listen to them, really try to put yourself in their situation and offer your support in whatever capacity you can. Only when you learn to give freely, can you receive freely. It is a two-way street, after all. And most importantly, keep your ego aside. You cannot connect with the heart when your ego is driving your actions and reactions. Check yourself, are you in tune with your own heart to understand someone else’s plea? It is not ego-to-heart but heart-to-heart ultimately.

So, learn the triggers that caused you to close off your heart, try to actively be present in the conversation and if you care about your loved ones and how your actions are affecting them, consider seeking professional help like therapy that can help you unclog some of the emotional blocks that are causing you to stay emotionally unavailable. All the best to you and I will catch you in my next one!