Everyone talks about healing your inner child this and that. But what is an inner child to begin with? For me, an inner child is a version of you that never got to grow up because you had to. People often talk about inner child in relation to trauma and deep-set wounds from childhood that have affected the way you respond to circumstances as an adult; but there’s more than healing the inner child, in my opinion. Not everything is related to trauma. Sometimes you just have to love your inner child in order to heal.
Maybe you had an absent parent or a negligent one and you felt isolated and alone in their presence. If they were there in all the important events in your life and made sure you had all your needs and some wants met (though begrudgingly), but just couldn’t love you in the way you needed- that isn’t trauma. That is a lack of nurturing. Maybe you were a sensitive, curious child and they got irritated and told you off when you questioned them about life or things in general and that hurt you. That isn’t trauma, that is a lack of parenting. Many people make good money on adults who don’t have trauma, but just nurturing issues. They will sell you potions and pills and quick fix releases from “trauma” that isn’t necessarily there. And maybe that helps you let go of your hurtful childhood memories, but that’s not trauma they are releasing and trauma isn’t that easily erased, so be mindful.
To nurture your inner child is to parent it in the way you wanted to be parented but for whatever reasons your parents couldn’t. It is to live your life as a curious child and to “parent” it in the way you needed. Now, that can be a slippery slope. Because what if your issue as a child was that your parents were needlessly strict and for example, didn’t let you have ice cream past midnight. Does that mean you have ice cream in all your meals now? No. You nurture your inner child by saying: “you can have one ice cream a day- any time of day, every day” That’s quite a fair bargain, but again, you are an adult and maybe are into fitness and so you won’t abuse the permission you got, you will make adjustments. It’s usually not what our parents say that we think is wrong, it is how they say it. So be nicer to yourself. Love yourself in the way you wanted to be loved by your parents.
If that is too hard to do, imagine yourself as othered from you. Imagine you’re talking to your pet or your child- how are you with them? Nice? Gentle? Loving? Offer the same kindness to yourself too. Everything begins from you. How you treat yourself, is how others will treat you. Perhaps you didn’t have a voice in your childhood to tell your mother that she was hurting you with her absence… maybe she didn’t listen because she had to provide you with a roof over your head; but you’re all grown up now and that means, you decide what’s best for you. You listen to your needs, your wants, your desires. You will do what’s best for you in a manner that doesn’t hurt your inner child. Take personal time for yourself away from work/study, family, friends, partners and chores, to do what makes you happy. Whether it’s playing dress-up in your bedroom at 3 am or watching your favourite chick flick or doing a full face of makeup just because. Put yourself first, prioritise your needs, take time off for yourself, treat yourself with kindness and above all, learn to love yourself 🙂